Seven New Year’s resolutions I know I can keep

January 3, 2013

By Pat Detmer

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When it comes to holidays, I’ve never been a big fan of New Year’s Eve and Day. The celebratory parties are too frenetic and desperate, resolutions are made and forgotten, hope springs eternal and then collapses like a Ponzi scheme.

Besides, I don’t consider the dead of winter the optimum time to foster a new and better attitude. That kind of bright promise is for September — the start of the school year — when clean lined paper and sharpened pencils speak of fresh starts and new beginnings.

At my age it’s ridiculous to come up with resolutions that I know will fall by the wayside. It’s high time, I think, to provide myself with goals that I know I can reach. Why put unnecessary pressure on myself? With that in mind:

1. I resolve that I will not watch a television show with the name “Kardashian” in the title.

2. I resolve that I will not spend time on Facebook. Perhaps I should amend that to say that I will not spend an inordinate amount of time on Facebook. I do check it periodically. Like once a quarter.


3. Ditto Twitter. I swear that I will not participate. I’ll amend that with a sub-resolution that I’m not sure that I can keep: I will cease asking, “What is it? I don’t get it.”


4. While attempting to meditate, I resolve that I will note things like spider webs, dust bunnies and spots on the carpet, and I will utter very un-Zen like things like “What the hell?” but vow that I will resist the urge to get up and make those things right, although their loud shouts for attention will break every meditation rule in the book.


5. While struggling to do things that used to be mindlessly easy for me — like threading a needle or putting a little button through a tiny loop or affixing earring backings — I vow to stop, exasperated by the task, and announce loudly to no one in particular: “Seriously?”


6. At least twice a year, I promise to take a tumble. And not just a little trip, but a huge belly flop, always on cement, likely to trigger UW seismic equipment. This year, I did it while walking to lunch in Seattle with a critical client, and again with The Sainted One while hurrying to the entrance of the King Tut exhibit.


7. I pledge that I will think a lot about starting a humorous memoir entitled “They Could Only Afford to Feed One,” but I’ll do little other than move some pertinent Word docs from one file to another and berate myself for the balance of the year for my lack of action.


2013! Bring it on!


You can reach Pat Detmer — who had no plans whatsoever to add “lose weight” to the list, even though she knows she should — at


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