Laughing all the way: My birthday wish list

August 5, 2010

By Pat Detmer

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I turned 60 on July 8. I’d hoped to get down to Massage Envy, because they’re now offering facials and have a special anti-aging treatment, but I didn’t make it in time and ended up turning 60 anyway. Now, I can say funny and obscene things with impunity, leave parties early and flip the lights on and off when family members stay too long after dinner as a reminder that it’s time for them to leave.

Oh wait. I do that already.

Anyhow, there are some things that I’d like to work on or have fixed to suit my new status:

  • People magazine needs to add footnotes, because I don’t know who the hell these people are. I don’t subscribe to People, but have been known to grab it at the hair salon or the gym. I flip through it in the hopes that I might actually recognize someone, but instead I see page after page of long-haired, sullen starlets with their legs crossed as if the bathroom is their next stop, and men so young that I’m betting they still keep their Legos under the bed.
  • Note to restaurants: Use a bigger typeface in your menus! This suggestion isn’t aimed at any of our Newcastle restaurants, but go to Seattle for dinner and there seems to be some kind of cost/typeface size ratio, because as the prices rise, the typeface shrinks. Personally, I would prefer 24-point in a simple, sans serif style like Arial. Serifs are okay, but only if the type is called something like “Circus Poster Bold” and runs in the 72-point range. Just stop using eight-point Munchkin, please!
  • Somebody should come up with some fashionable bibs. I belong to Spiller’s Anonymous (“Hi. I’m Pat, and I’m a spiller”) and I’ve been asking for bibware for years. What is it about a clean, pressed white shirt and colorful greasy food? You just can’t keep them apart. I’m counting on Michael Kors to come up with some designs that will make senior spillage more acceptable. I’ve even thoughtfully created a tagline for a Michael Kors Bibware Line: “Bibs. Not Just for Lobster Anymore.”
  • Help me lobby the Federal Drug Administration to allow the pharmaceutical companies to come up with a patience pill. I’ve never been a particularly patient person anyhow, and now I’m headed into the crotchety zone. If they can make a happy pill, they can make a patience pill.

And no, they’re not the same thing, you incredible idiot!

Dana Sullivan’s cartoon was used for the invitation for my birthday party at my sister’s house in Seattle, and the image was also printed on a 6-foot square sign that weighs approximately 300 pounds. Attendees had their picture taken in front of it. Now, we need to figure out how to get that billboard home.

DISCLAIMER: Pat Detmer has not in this lifetime ever had a body that looks like that, but thanks, Dana, for the birthday gift. You can send birthday wishes to

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One Response to “Laughing all the way: My birthday wish list”

  1. Laughing all the way: My birthday wish list – Newcastle News | Building Blocks Store on August 5th, 2010 9:31 pm

    […] Laughing all the way: My birthday wish listNewcastle News… starlets with their legs crossed as if the bathroom is their next stop, and men so young that I'm betting they still keep their Legos under the bed. … […]

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